The Warrior Campaign
Meet Abby...
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I struggled for years to tell my story and once I finally became comfortable, I found that it was so helpful for me to share as well as for others to hear. It's important to not feel alone and I think that's the most powerful thing that sharing our traumas with one another helps understand.
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About 3 years into what I would consider my "fitness journey" I walked into my gym and fell into my trainer's arms bawling. I had finally admitted that I was struggling. That the smiles were fake (I was hangry and fucking miserable). That my energy was gone. That I hadn't been eating for months. That when I did eat I would binge. That I was forcing myself to throw up 6-7 days a week. That I was in severe pain, and willingly harming myself. That my friend's and family's unaware admiration were causing me to become addicted. That the mental illness with the highest mortality rate, was taking over my life. It was the darkest place I had ever been. Food and exercise were my every thought and dictated my every move. I hated myself in every aspect and nobody knew.
Upon telling my trainer he connected me with the best therapist I could have ever asked for. We worked together weekly, while my trainer closely monitored my nutrition and exercise. I wish I could say healing happened fast. Although I was seeing a therapist and more people were aware of my mental illness, I continued not to eat, binge, throw up, and hate who I was. I found telling people made it a little easier. I slowly started telling people close to me. I'll never forget the night I told two of my best friends. We were laying in my bedroom and I nonchalantly told them. I giggled and tried to make it a light conversation, and when I looked over my friend was in tears. It was that moment, and she probably still doesn't know this, that I realized this was serious, and I had to stop wanting to hurt myself. But I craved it. I wanted the body aches. The bloody throats. The legitimate conversations between myself and ED (That's what I call the side of me who allows the eating disorder to win). The pain. One time I even choked on a pen. I loved it all, and although my therapist and trainer were helping a tremendous amount, that night when my friend started crying over something I tried to make fun of, I realized it was time to fucking beat this asshole disorder inside my head.
I continued to work weekly with my therapist. Her support is something I can never find the words to explain. She helped me realize my triggers, understand my irrational thoughts, fight back with them, and express my emotions. Additionally I had some internal problems because of the disorder and she hooked me up with some of the best doctors around. It took years of weekly therapy and doctors visits, but I can proudly say I am now 40lbs heavier, with no internal organ issues, and only meeting with my therapist once a month. And although I am proud to say that, I know this fight isn't over and I know it probably never will be. At least once a day I want to stop eating, at least once a week I want to make myself throw up, and at least every other day I want to over exercise to "get myself back on track".
I think stories like these are important because there's a little piece of ED in all of us. The little girl who wants to wear a t-shirt over her bathing suit because her belly is bigger than her friends. The person who's standing in front of their fridge eating, and can't get themselves to stop. The collegiate athlete who is being told they need to lose weight to be better. Every damn person on social media looking at "perfect" humans thinking they're real, and wanting to be like them. It's in us all and those thoughts are okay to have. But what we can't do is let those thought win. Beat those thoughts. Healthy not perfect.
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I'm not sure I am healed. Like I said above I have thoughts of relapsing daily/weekly. I think the most important part about overcoming a mental illness, is understanding that it may not go away, but you sure as hell can learn how to live with it and beat it.
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Chris Tybor: Personal trainer who connected me with my therapist and constantly supports me and give me the tough love I need. Shereen Bulbulia: The best therapist in the history of therapists. I can't thank her enough. My friends and family: For supporting me and understanding they don't understand.
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I'm never alone. I have the greatest support system I could have ever asked for. And although many people who are close to me, don't understand why I do/did it, there are many people out there who do understand and struggle in the same way.
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Be forward and ask how you can help. Understand that you'll probably never understand why they self-harm.
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I love teaching my niece and nephew to love themselves and choose strength and health over weight. It breaks my heart when I hear people talking about other people's weight when they are around to hear it. I always make a point of explaining to them that there is not "right" way to look, and as long as you focus on being healthy you're awesome the way you are.
