The Warrior Campaign
Meet Renee…
𝕎𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕚𝕟𝕥𝕖𝕣𝕖𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕕 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕚𝕟 𝕕𝕠𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕤 ℂ𝕒𝕞𝕡𝕒𝕚𝕘𝕟?
From the moment i heard about the Warrior Campaign from a friend at work, I immediately knew in my heart I wanted to do this and it was time to share my story with other women. I have always believed that all the trauma I'd experienced in life would have a greater purpose, that it would be a platform I waited my whole life for, honestly because it is another area of great growth for me. Stepping out in fear, but doing it anyway. Through my journey thus far I have learned to see myself not only as a trauma survivor, because there is so much more to life than just surviving, but also having perseverance and fighting my way out and then actually moving the trauma to a different space and thriving through it. All the things in which I see a Warrior. And this is my story of how I became one.
𝕂𝕚𝕟𝕕𝕝𝕪 𝕖𝕩𝕡𝕝𝕒𝕚𝕟 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣 "𝕤𝕥𝕠𝕣𝕪" 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕠𝕟𝕝𝕪 𝕡𝕝𝕒𝕔𝕖 𝕚𝕟𝕗𝕠𝕣𝕞𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟 𝕙𝕖𝕣𝕖 𝕥𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕒𝕣𝕖 𝕨𝕚𝕝𝕝𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕥𝕠 𝕤𝕙𝕒𝕣𝕖.
"𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝗵𝘂𝗿𝘁 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗹, 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝗜 𝗳𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱 𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗰𝗲 𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘄𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗮 𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗼𝗳 𝗺𝗲 𝗜 𝗻𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝗸𝗻𝗲𝘄." ~ 𝗦𝘁𝗲𝗽𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗶𝗲 𝗕𝗲𝗻𝗻𝗲𝘁𝘁-𝗛𝗲𝗻𝗿𝘆
It took a very long time and a lot of hard, tear-filled work on myself to get to the place I am now in life. The authentic version of myself I now know I am as a woman, but still continuing to learn and grow as we speak. It hasn't been easy and as a matter of fact, there are many times, probably most times that healing is messy and ugly and chaotic and everything we tend to want to avoid tending to when our lives are a mess. But in order to grow as a human, we must learn to face it and deal with all the things that try and hold us hostage and keep us stuck.
Hello.
My name is Renee and I am a recovering people-pleaser and perfectionist. I say that with some humor, because for the longest time I had no idea what my story even really was, but knew I had been through some bad things in life and just somehow got through them. What I understand at this point in my life is that I am a trauma survivor. I share my story with you in hopes that it does truly inspire you and let you know that if I can do it, you can sure do it too.
My entry into this world was a tumultuous one, to say the least. From the way my mother tells the story, the day of my delivery, my parents were already planning to go their separate ways. My parents were young and immature. My dad dealt with drug addiction and my mother, I’m sure now, had a mental illness which she dealt with in unhealthy ways all through my childhood. She too was a trauma survivor, as she and my grandmother had been terribly abused by my alcoholic grandfather. And that is how those generational patterns start. As a little girl, I remember vividly one day at my grandparent’s land, out in the middle of literal nowhere, watching my grandfather drink and argue with my mother so violently, that he held a gun to her head and threatened to shoot her in front of me to teach her a lesson. He spared her life and broke her hand instead. And my grandmother, despite all of that, defended him. And that, is how a little girl, at the tender age of 4 years old, learns that men can have power over you and you should listen to them at any cost. So they don’t take your life.
My mother and I lived with my dad's parents for about 6 months after I was born and then when that didn't work any longer, we moved out on our own. And that really didn't work at all. My mom had no emotional tools to deal with the end of her marriage and real support in her corner, so she decided to move us to Texas with her best friend and her brother when I was 2 years old. We were as poor as poor could be. The car she drove had a hole in the backseat and when we would go for drives I’d lay in the back and watch the asphalt and wonder if I could just put my hand in there, would I fall out? The joys of being a child. We never had anything nice and moved constantly from apartment to apartment.
My mom had many "friends" at our house and they all tried so hard to impress to me. None of which I wanted anything to do with. And then one day when I was about 6 or 7 years old, I believe it was one of these men who knew my mom, sexually molested me in the hallway of our apartment complex when I was going outside to roller-skate. I was so scared to tell my mom anything, because I was deathly afraid of her, that somehow it was my fault and allowed it. I held it in until my adult years when it finally came exploding out in the form of extreme panic attacks over the memories. When something like that happens to you as a little innocent child, and you cant tell anyone, in fear of consequences, let me tell you, it ruins your life. And you don't even realize it’s going to or what it’s even going to do to you. The guilt and shame I carried because of it destroyed my self esteem and any worth is saw in myself. And it effected all of my relationships and friendships to come.
My teenage years were horrible. I lived with my mom during the school year and would leave to visit my dad and grandparents in New York for the summers. I had been flying on planes to visit my dad in New York by myself since I was 5 years old. The summers with my dad and mostly, my grandparents was my saving grace. I could feel safe and secure for a time before all the school year chaos would start up again. During this time, My mom was remarried to a man she only knew for 3 months and didn’t know he was a raging alcoholic, or so she said, until we moved from San Antonio, Tx to his house in a little podunk town called McQueeny , TX. Between the ages of 10-12 I watched my mom be belittled and abused, time after time. Several times I ran out of my house trying to get an adult to call the police, but no one wanted to get involved with our drama and the abuse continued until my mother had finally had enough and we left and stayed in a shelter for a few nights until we could get back to New York.
As I was getting older I became more and more rebellious and so desperate for real love and attention from anyone I could. It all came crashing down when one night I was with an older friend from school that I already knew I would get in trouble for being around. I was reminded daily that I was extremely close to being sent away to a detention home if I didn't stop acting so rebelliously. What no one knew was that I was raped by 3 boys that night that I went to school with. I couldn't defend myself against it because I was almost drugged to death and honestly couldn't even remember what had happened. I'm thankful I woke up the next morning. But the rumors started to circulate around school that I had actually asked for it. I was talked about in the most horrendous way imaginable. All the things I had already felt about myself were true. I was disgusting and worthless. I couldn't take the pressure of it all and had a suicide attempt because of it at 14 years old. It was after that and all the constant trouble I was getting in, that my mother decided to move us back to New York to get away from everything and come to help my grandmother, as my grandfather had passed away and my grandma needed help. Thank God for my grandma, she is one of the reasons Im here today and a huge reason I became a nurse. Unfortunately, the story did not get better after we moved, as I instantly searched out the same kinds of kids and same behaviors i had previously known. I dated one person through high school. Because of all the emotional baggage I carried as a young person and being witness to so much abuse and being a physical abuse victim myself, I constantly sought out those kinds of relationships. Always emotionally unavailable, abusive and reaffirming everything bad I've always felt about myself.
At 18 years old I finally ended the only relationship I'd had through high school, but soon after I realized I was pregnant. I was so scared to tell anyone that I was pregnant.
All the judgement.
The critics.
The opinions.
I was told by a family member that young girls like me who got pregnant at a young age would end up being nothing. I didn't want to believe that, but deep down in my heart I already felt like nothing. I eventually was supported by my family and they did help me raise my daughter, thank God. I don't know what I would have done without them at that time. But I was still a baby with a lot of unhealed trauma, having a baby. My greatest accomplishment during that time was going to nursing school and becoming an RN. Fast forward several years to my adult married life. I brought all of my childhood trauma to my marriage. I had been married for about 10 years when memories of the sexual abuse started to surface. All of the traumatic memories would sometimes surface all at once and it was wreaking havoc on my life and my marriage. I would get paralyzed with fear and have horrible panic attacks trying to just keep stuffing it all down and trying to forget about it. But when the body is ready to process this kind of trauma, it’s ready and there's no stopping it really. I didn't feel worthy of anything. Not a voice, not space, I kept quiet and sat back and would never open my mouth because I didn't even have anything of value to say. And If i did, people would just think I'm stupid anyway. To reinforce all of that, I had married someone who was emotionally and verbally abusive. I was a servant, with no voice, no say and I became what others wanted me to be, hence how I became such a people pleaser and allowing whoever wanted to have any power over me they pleased. I had no idea how to process all of this, but was tired of being called crazy and told I needed medications to be accountable to life in all the ways I was constantly missing it. I sought out a therapist who has guided me through many many extremely difficult years, the MOST difficult years of my life to date. It was then through blood, sweat and a lot of tears, I began to open all of the so very tender wounds and finally deal with so many years of trauma and started to understand who I was as woman. That I myself held all the answers for help I was so desperately seeking. The help I was receiving was for once in my life validating all the emotion I had felt my entire life. I was starting to have a tiny voice and was learning how to use it.
Finally opening my mouth and using my voice was seriously rocking my marriage though. My husband was not used to me having a voice. As long as I kept my mouth shut and did what I was told, when I was told to, everything was "fine". On the outside, everything probably looked fine to most people who were not close enough to me to know exactly what was going or or how bad it actually was. When you have money and live in a big lavish house in Clarence and have beautiful children, people can think that your life is pretty perfect. When you're married and have two people going in opposite directions on life views and how to handle conflict and trauma and add to that an abusive partner, it is a recipe for disaster. I had been in counseling for several years at that point, was tired of feeling worthless and one night after coming home from a work event, announced that I needed out of my marriage. Let me tell you, it did not go over well at all. It was down right ugly and the entire divorce process was so extremely horrendous, worse than I ever could have imagined. I'd even thought of ending my life to not deal with the pain of it all. Only by the amazing Grace of God and His mercy am I here today. I didn't want my children to have a mother who gave up on them like that, like I was given up on and they are what kept me moving forward in that time.
Post- divorce was honestly one of the most awful times of my life. I truly didn't think I was going to make it at times. It was so dark and so lonely. As the saying goes, "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." That could not have been truer in my life. I will also admit that during that time, as challenging as things were for me, I also was making some extremely bad choices and contributing to my own mess by those choices. But I've given myself some grace and forgive myself for the decisions I made back then without knowing. I had been terribly humbled by life in so many ways and finally came the day and I preface that with it took me almost 5 years and yet leaving another toxic relationship to pull myself out of a very dark hole. I had enough pain and trials and challenges and made a decision to finally get back to who I knew God called me to be, the woman I knew I was and wanted to be. The fearless, brave and courageous person I needed. Sometimes in life you learn you have to become your own hero and save yourself.
So I did.
ℍ𝕠𝕨 𝕝𝕠𝕟𝕘 𝕕𝕚𝕕 𝕚𝕥 𝕥𝕒𝕜𝕖 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕥𝕠 𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕔𝕙 𝕒 𝕙𝕖𝕒𝕝𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕡𝕝𝕒𝕔𝕖?
My healing took a long time and it did not happen all at once or over night. It was definitely a process and there were periods of great growth and learning from experiences and there were also very sad and awful times where I fell back into old, dysfunctional patterns again. It seemed more to happen in phases. And it is still happening, daily sometimes, but I forgive myself and just keep moving forward, we don’t control anything anyway, right? Looking back at it now, I feel as though if it would have been easy or all at once, it would not have had the effect on me that it did. It all happened the way it was supposed to. And I can only say that now, because by the Grace of God, I am on the other side finally. I am by no means, saying I've "arrived" anywhere , nor do I ever want to be in a place like that. I truly believe that to be a good human, you must decide every day to show up as your best self. My best advice to all of you beautiful humans is to give yourself grace and take as long as you need to to heal. You can't rush it or brush it off. It takes time. Don't judge yourself. Don't use "should" , because "should" is an asshole. Be yourself. Be intentional always. Life is short. Trust God. And your healing is so worth it. I promise.
𝕎𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕠𝕣 𝕨𝕙𝕠 𝕙𝕖𝕝𝕡𝕖𝕕 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕙𝕖𝕒𝕝 𝕒𝕝𝕠𝕟𝕘 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕨𝕒𝕪? 𝔸𝕟𝕕 𝕙𝕠𝕨?
The way in which my path and outlook on life really started to change was when I introduced yoga into my life along with really starting to figure out who I was and what my purpose was in life. My faith in God is the only thing that kept me going during the hardest times of my life. I would not be here today without it. I believe God uses things in life to use as a vehicle to healing. Yoga was one of those things for me. It taught me to pause for once in my life. That "business" is a trauma response and I needed to slow down and rest . It was hard for me at first but the more I did it and the more grace I learned to give myself. It's amazing what you learn about yourself when you are willing to be open. I learned the amazing power of taking a breath. And letting go as hard as it is. And remembering when in a hard place in life, that you've been here before and you've survived 100% of every bad day thus far, that is truly practicing life. In all of its realness and rawness. We get through all of it.
𝕎𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕚𝕤 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕤𝕚𝕟𝕘𝕝𝕖 𝕞𝕠𝕤𝕥 𝕚𝕞𝕡𝕠𝕣𝕥𝕒𝕟𝕥 𝕝𝕖𝕤𝕤𝕠𝕟 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕝𝕖𝕒𝕣𝕟𝕖𝕕 𝕗𝕣𝕠𝕞 𝕖𝕩𝕡𝕖𝕣𝕚𝕖𝕟𝕔𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕤 𝕙𝕒𝕣𝕕𝕤𝕙𝕚𝕡?
That I have a voice and because of that, I matter, just like I am, just because I exist.
What is the best way to support someone who is going through a similar situation?
We have 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason. Be a good listener and give your opinions lightly. Try and remember and see the person where they're at, in a non-judgemental way, but also able to hold them accountable when needed. Love them hard. They need it so bad.
𝕎𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕚𝕤 𝕤𝕠𝕞𝕖𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕡𝕠𝕤𝕚𝕥𝕚𝕧𝕖 𝕥𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕖𝕞𝕖𝕣𝕘𝕖𝕕 𝕒𝕤 𝕒 𝕣𝕖𝕤𝕦𝕝𝕥 𝕠𝕗 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣 𝕖𝕩𝕡𝕖𝕣𝕚𝕖𝕟𝕔𝕖?
Honestly I wasn’t sure anything positive would emerge from all of the trauma I'd experienced. I always wanted to believe that though. That there would be a greater purpose to all of this. My purpose is to share my story and healing to show you that you shouldn't ever give up on yourself. You can do it because you're stronger than you even know . i am such a stronger human now because of all of the things I've gone through and while I was not always thankful for the journey at the time, I can now see how things had to be the way they did. I needed to learn the lessons. Sometimes the hard way. But that's ok. God will allow the same lessons to come into our lives over and over until we finally get it. And not everyone's journey is the same. I give myself so much more grace and realize I'm human and everything in life does not have to be perfect. Do I fall back sometimes? Yes I do. it takes a while to unlearn old patterns that took a lifetime to develop, so don't judge yourself. Just keep showing up, every single day as the best version of yourself you know to be. L
Life is too short to be anything but your beautiful self.
